March 3 and it was almost spring when you left us. You spent your last moments until the vet arrived, rolling in the grass as the sun light danced across your fur. I know now you could not see it, only feel the warmth on your body and the ground beneath you. The day was a fortunate unseasonably warm day for your departure.
The weather provided the perfect send off for you who loved the outdoors more than anything else. Later that day, and in your honor, I went to a country road and watched the sunset letting the fading rays soothe my freshly broken heart.
Through you I learned black cats are very unique. Underfoot many times, you were always the one who greeted me at the door. A kind-hearted friendly cat, one who was obsessively curious, busy and always with me. You would nudge me, then springboard off my legs to let me know what you wanted. It was the very same move you had used in the shelter when you chose me.
I thought we might have another summer together but it was not in the cards. The birds are safe now. Despite curbing your hunting, to my dismay you would occasionally capture an unsuspecting bird in the yard. Part of me does not believe you are gone. I feel you brush past my legs just like when you were always half of a step away.
Bijou, my studio muse, who liked to drink the water from the paint well when I was not mindful enough to cover it. Such a precious gift in my life I will never forget.
Planting yourself on the piano keys while I was playing, becoming indignant when I reached the higher notes and came a little too close to your tail.
One of your favorite spots was in my guitar case, and I would leave it open for you, despite you having used the exterior as a scratching post at times. Marks from your needle sharp claws are one reminder of you.
Your personality was deep and rich, body so tiny and agile, with a huge presence and strong will. With eyes so expressive like deep pools of emotion, I always knew what you were saying to me. You never complained. Because you had always been so healthy, when you took ill I was off-balance. You were a trooper until the end. Now there is a large space to fill that you once occupied. I do not imagine ever attaining such a feat.
Life after you left
Your housemate Autumn is missing you too. She did not know how lucky she was until you were gone. She is gorgeous, like you were, yet knows it all too well. Her function is more that of a figurine.
Since you have been gone, she has moments of shallow breathing and I have seen her in the coveted spot by the window, not sitting proud and triumphant like before, but instead slightly slumped over, eyes blinking and facing downwards.
Your heart was generous, letting her have her own way most of the time. I imagine she has some regrets about bullying you. She has been sleeping mostly and only eats about half of what she used to. In time her appetite will improve or maybe it will not.
The truth is we can never feel the same again. I look for ways to fill the space within and nothing works.
Hushed quiet resides here now and I have more time to do my work without you climbing all over the back of my chair, the computer and desk. You are not here stepping on the off button of the computer, nor are you here to scan and print documents.
But I am thankful for the 15 years we had together. Nothing stays the same forever and now a new chapter begins with you always in my heart. You ran hard and fast while you could, for as long as you could. Now you are free. Goodnight sweet love.